Hi, Urban Housewives! We’re treated today to a guest post from Lizzie Ruiz, who blogs over at Lizzie Goes. She gives us the skinny (sorry, couldn’t help myself!) on skinny jeans – the good, the bad, and the very very ugly.
I, like most women (but not all of us because we are unique and different from each other and don’t all like unicorns, you big chauvinist jerk,) like to shop. Gender stereotyping for the win! Put me in a room full of cardigans and strappy sandals and I’ll invent a reason why in god’s name somebody would need to wear a cardigan and a pair of strappy sandals at the same time. (See? My feminine wiles are being put to innovative use there.) But there is one item of clothing I truly believe was designed (fashion pun intended, ya’ll!) to be the incorrigible little brother of the shopping experience: buying jeans.
Specifically, skinny jeans.
So skinny jeans are a thing now. (FASHION TREND BROKEN; YOU’RE WELCOME.) And apparently they’re the only thing. At the mall the other day (I’m in New Jersey for a wedding, alright?) I was treated to the knowledge that skinny jeans are the only style of jeans women who don’t have children are allowed to wear these days. I bought my last pair of jeans about three years ago, such is the depth of my loathing toward having to go out and buy them. (I would say 50% percent of my efforts toward not gaining weight are motivated by my distain for going out to buy new jeans, which is impressive when you consider that my physical appearance, self-confidence and overall cardiovascular health are making up the remaining 50%.) But it would seem that in those three blissful years between buying my last pair and them ripping in the wash, skinny jeans have Roman Empired the whole category. They are everywhere, and there is no room for competing power.
I have actual woman legs, not Dama gazelle legs (good for her though, right?) Nor do I employ a personal airbrusher to perfect me as I galavant about town. A hasty google search reveals that there are 3.3 billion women in the world, and five million of them are models, so that means there are about 3.2 billion of us perambulating around solely via the use of our normal woman legs. And most of said legs just don’t look good in skinny jeans.
Obviously if you’re my friend it is my solemn duty as a woman to pretend that you are one of the few women in this world who does look great in skinny jeans. (If you actually do, I can only hope our friendship is built on a mutual petty jealousy.) And it goes without saying that I expect my friends to pretend the same for me. But alone in that dressing room, a half inch from cankles and a few more from being happy with my thighs, there’s really no lying to myself. I need something flared out from the calf region down to balance out these divine child-birthing hips God (and my Hispanic grandmother) were so gracious to bestow upon me.
Nevertheless, I bought two pairs of skinny jeans. Mostly because I really needed new jeans, and I haven’t been inaugurated into the mom jeans club yet. And I’ll admit that my small woman mind was freaking blown when, contrary to their very name, they did not make my legs look skinny. This would also explain why bearing the job title “project manager” for three years actually didn’t mean I was capable of managing at all. But hey, if we all agree to only wear skinny jeans, all our legs will be not flattered by an equal percentage, bringing our comparative looks back to the same ratios.
So by the power of math, let us all continue to wear skinny jeans. And flowy tops that allow us to cover our food babies.